The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
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