All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I just gargled with NyQuil
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
