he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
