You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
