i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
