...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
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