when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
