We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
