my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
