I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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