just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Randomize
