we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize