I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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