My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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