its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize