my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
