Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
