U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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