We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
