Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
