Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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