I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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