what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
