I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Randomize
