He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Randomize
