I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
