I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
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