What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
