It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
