This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
