I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
