Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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