I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
