at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
