oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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