You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
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