and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
