Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
