Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
