Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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