So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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