I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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