were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
