No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize