I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
