I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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