I'm so fucking centered right now
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
