Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
