she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
