It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
