My underwear smells like fireworks.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
