There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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