I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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