Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
