Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
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