What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
