I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
