I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
