Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
