This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
